Ambivalence is Totally Okay In Therapy
I generally advocate for a “fuck yes” approach to decisions in life, both big and small. That means that when you invest time, money, or some other precious resource in something, it’s best to be close to 100% on board with that choice. Going back to grad school? I hope that’s a “fuck yes.” Ordering that magnificent slice of triple-chocolate cake? If not a “fuck yes,” why bother? Getting married? It makes sense to be nervous, but if at least part of you isn’t super excited about the idea, you might want to rethink some things. I hope, for your sake, that most of the choices you make are fuck-yes kinds of choices.
Therapy, on the other hand, isn’t always a “fuck yes.” People don’t usually call me on their best days because they want my help feeling even better- they call because it’s clear that other options aren’t going to work for them. They usually call with a little bit of ambivalence. Because when you go to therapy, you’re taking a big risk. You’re sharing parts of yourself that you may have never shared before. You’re sharing them with someone whose job it is to understand, reflect, and help you grow- but most people don’t automatically trust strangers with the deepest parts of themselves.
You’re investing a significant chunk of time and money into the process in hopes of an outcome that can’t be guaranteed. And it’s almost certain that said outcome won’t look exactly like you pictured- it’ll probably look better, but it’s hard to visualize that! The ugly truth about therapy is that if you’re not willing to put that stuff on the line- if you’re not willing to risk your worldview, your coping strategies, and your sense of self- you’re probably not going to get much out of it. We all know deep down that playing it safe in situations like this generally leads to more of the same rather than a seismic change.
Sometimes, in a really successful course of therapy, you might get to a place where things suddenly go from “Can’t wait until my next session” to “I kinda hope I get that flu that’s going around so I can take a week off.” In my experience, that sometimes means that something amazing is just around the corner, but to get to it you have to cut through some really miserable inner terrain. The parts of ourselves that protect what’s safe and familiar do double-duty to trick us from looking past the guck to the big win just beyond.
So when you think about therapy, whether you’re already going or just considering it, it might not be a “fuck yes.” It can be a “fuck yes” with a little mini-panic. It can be a “hmm I will try it out but if it’s weird I will get the hell out of there.” It can even be a reluctant “I wish I could handle it on my own, but I can’t.” Sometimes, there are things in life worth taking tentative, uncertain steps toward.
In my practice, I welcome your ambivalence. I acknowledge that parts of you are probably going to be thrilled to finally be heard, felt, and cared for, and other parts are probably going to want to avoid everything in a five-block radius from every therapist’s office in the city. All parts of you are welcome here. Set up a free call today.