You Do Not Need Permission For Your Feelings

“I told my partner/boss/mom I’m upset about this, but they said I was being irrational.”

I probably hear some variation of the above sentence once a week. Nope. Nope nope nope. The second part of that sentence does not negate the first part. “Feelings aren’t facts,” the saying goes. True, they’re not. Feelings are FEELINGS! Feelings are a fabulous, highly tuned information system. They give us information about how we’re doing, what we need, and whether the environment is matching up with our internal state.

The most obvious example of this is fear- when we feel fear, we know that either something in the environment is a threat, or we’re operating as if there is a threat that isn’t there (as is the case for trauma and PTSD). Disappointment is an indication that we had expectations that weren’t met. Anger is a clue that something or someone crossed our boundaries, or maybe that we need to establish some.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying this. If we could just operate out of a chart that said “when you’re feeling X, it means you should do Y” life would be way simpler. We’d make a cool infographic out of it, pop it on our walls, and act accordingly. But in real life, feelings are weird and screwey and confusing and beautiful. We have feelings mixed with thoughts and beliefs mixed with old patterns mixed with extra emotions on top of that. Feelings are weird. So in therapy, sometimes what we do is make lots of space for and sort through feelings. I find that trying to push them away makes them stick around harder, like those little finger trap toys that tighten as you pull. When we are patient and welcoming to our feelings, they tend to soften, dissipate, and open up. They often show us what needs attention in nuanced ways that a chart or infographic never could. 

We get into trouble, though, when we seek permission for what we feel. A lot of us are conditioned to expect feelings to work logically, with hard evidence to justify their existence. When we’re pissed off, it’s admittedly really gratifying to hear someone else say “YES that person is a total asshole.” But the feeling of anger is worth acknowledging and respecting whether or not someone else tells you it’s okay to feel.

Here’s the kicker, though. Just like we don’t need facts to back up feelings, feelings aren’t proof of anything real outside of our minds. Just because you’re angry at Tom doesn’t mean that Tom is, in fact, the president of the National Association of Assholes, though he very well might be. It simply means that your anger is worth exploring.

Feeling better about, um, having feelings? Fantastic. The next step is to make sense of them. Book a 15-minute consultation (for free!) with me today.