How to Not Care About Your Family's Opinions
It’s early December. This can be a really wild time for a lot of people- right in the middle of holiday madness. Some of you might be coming back from a Thanksgiving trip to see family, others might be gearing up to get together with loved ones for Christmas or Hannukah or another winter tradition. In my therapy practice, I can see how much this process stirs up for people- especially when loved ones have strong opinions on how you’re living your life. If you’ve made a change in the past year- broken up with someone or started a relationship, taken a new job or lost one, made a career change or decided to go back to school- it may be particularly uncomfortable. Wanting to manage others’ opinions of you is a natural inclination, but often not super useful. After all, that’s definitely something out of your control. Here are a few ideas to make things a little less miserable this winter.
Acknowledge wanting to control as a feeling
OK, so “wanting to control” isn’t exactly a distinct feeling. My guess, though, is that it represents a whole cluster of thoughts and feelings, some easy to identify and some not-so-much. You might want to please someone, or impress someone, or just avoid the weird passive-aggressive judgment you got last year. So let’s explore a little bit- what’s under that? Is it anxiety? Shame? Fear? Confusion? Take a few moments to locate the emotion in your body and breathe. Can you sit with that?
Remember you have judgments, too
When I talk to someone concerned about what their family might think of their life, we usually find that they’re in a different “tribe” than their family of origin. Maybe they’re on the other side of the political spectrum, or have different values about life and work than you. Either way, if they think differently, you’ve probably got some ideas about what they’re doing wrong. Our brains are judgy little jerks. It’s what they do. You probably have thousands of useless and not terribly noble thoughts every day. It’s what you do with them that matters- how much you let them frame your reality. Chances are, when you judge your Great Aunt Sally for her voting record, you aren’t doing much harm. If she’s judging you for the same, it probably won’t hurt you, either.
Give them the right to their own process
Let’s say you’ve decided to end a long-term relationship. For some people that’s an easy choice, and for many others it was several months’ worth of deliberation. Either way, Grandma might just be hearing about it. When people find out about your life, they don’t have all the context and experience that you do. It’s really hard to step back and let people go through their own process, but it’s a valuable, ongoing practice. In the breakup example, your family members need to grieve their relationship with your former partner, even if they just saw them twice a year. And we all know that sometimes people can be jerks when they’re grieving. If you approach the situation with patience and let your loved ones make sense of things in ways that work for them, things might go a lot smoother.
Explore your opinions of yourself
Here’s where it gets meaty. If you’re dreading sharing your career move or new haircut with your once-a-year peeps, it might be worth looking in the mirror. We know that projection is a thing. It’s not always direct. If you think your Aunt Sally will hate your outfit, it may not mean that you unconsciously hate your outfit. But it’s worth what your expectations of others’ opinions (not just at the holidays but all year round!) reflect about how you are feeling about yourself. Make An Appointment to delve deeper into how you're feeling and how you can field those expectations and opinions.