The Good-Enough Sanctimommy

You’ve probably heard  the term “sanctimommy.” It describes a woman who excels at taking care of her children and actively looks down on other parents who aren’t quite as together. The internet is full of forums where women verbally beat up on other women for their parenting choices. It’s awful to be on the receiving end of that.

You guys don’t need another blog post about how shitty sanctimommies are. I’d rather get a little bit curious about the culture that sets up this dynamic, and how we can learn from it. In her book Drop the Ball, Tiffany Dufu talks about the frustration many moms feel. She paraphrases Anne-Marie Slaughter, whose book Unfinished Business  “reframes the debate from a tension between women and the workplace to a tension between competition and care in America. Slaughter argues that our core social problem is that we place a premium on competition, as success is largely defined by who wins rather than on care, which is just as important and necessary as a human endeavor” (Dufu p.99).

There’s no meaningful reward for outstanding caretaking outside of seeing that person thrive and the depth of the relationship. We’ve been taught to compete and we’ve gotten pretty freaking good at it. And that’s awesome. If I take a class I want to get an A. If I play a board game, I want to straight-up decimate my opponents (sorry, friends). And, yes, I want to be a legendary therapist, not just a decent one. I’m used to working hard and kicking ass and I expect to be acknowledged for that.

But, in parenting, it’s healthy to let that go. And we can let go. The pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott introduced the idea of the “good enough mother”- that what babies need is not a perfect parent or caregiver but an “ordinarily devoted” one. Yes, a baby needs to feel that their needs will be met consistently. But as a human being, a caregiver is going to miss cues or naturally delay responding once in a while (like, for example, heating up food when a baby is hungry or finishing up a phone call before responding to a baby who wants attention).

Winnicott argues this is a GOOD thing- growing kids also need to develop a capacity to tolerate frustration. If you think about the aspects of yourself that you’re proud of, most probably grew out of an experience of not getting what you want exactly when you wanted it.

If you’re in therapy with me, you know my stance on feelings. I’d probably save a lot of time if I got the sentence “EVERY FEELING IS VALID AND USEFUL” tattooed on my forehead.

So all the feelings that come up in mommy-land- anxiety, frustration, deep love for your kid- those are all valid and useful. If we don’t make space for them, they tend to bite us in the ass- like when you ignore your feelings of guilt until you find yourself Pinteresting the perfect organic playdate treats at 3am only to wake up exhausted and cranky the next day. 

I want to create a culture where we support and empower one another in our good-enough-ness. Not just as a mom, but in every role we play- good enough employee, good enough friend, good enough partner. If we acknowledge that we’re all trying, maybe we can make that space for feelings. Maybe if we know we are doing our best, we can hold each other in loving empathy.