You Probably Haven’t Found The Key To Life
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
It can be really hard to tolerate someone who comes off as smug- especially when they seem to know how everyone should live. You know the type- they have found the Key To Life (TM), and go on to believe that everyone who isn't practicing it is a lesser being. Let's talk about not being That Guy.
The Key To Life could be almost anything: a paleo diet. Living in the country. Living in the city. Practicing yoga or meditation. Getting rid of their smartphone. Intermittent fasting. Not drinking. Cannabis. Psychedelics. Attachment parenting. CrossFit, Peloton, Barry's Boot Camps. *
It's awesome to experiment with wellness practices and lifestyles to see what makes sense for you and your family. In fact, I encourage it. And when you do find something that clearly makes life better for you, that's worth celebrating!
And there's a natural sense of grief attached to that kind of discovery, too. If meditation really does change your life for the better, at the back of your mind, you're at least a little aware of the years you didn't meditate. You might be angry at yourself for not picking it up, or angry at others for not introducing you to it earlier. With every new (positive) discovery about ourselves, there's an underlying grief.
In the main form of psychotherapy I study, AEDP, we call this "mourning for the self." In psychotherapy terms, it's less about yoga and more about feeling feelings deeply, experiencing new senses of clarity and peace. But as any part of our experience improves, the contrast between now and before makes it clear just how much we suffered, and our compassion for our past selves helps us recognize that pain.
Now back to The Key To Life- I think we get into a lot of trouble when we don't allow for that mourning process. When we discover that Thing that makes us feel a whole lot better, and we aren't in a place where we can tolerate that sense of contrast, we get rigid and grasp onto it. We lose the benefit of flexibility and compassion. It's scary to assume that without that Thing we might go back to the way things were before, but we don't acknowledge the fear and shove it into the backs of our minds.
So if you've found something that makes you feel a lot better, physically, mentally, or spiritually, HELL YES! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Let's layer another practice on top of that- a sense of ease and flexibility.
* Therapist's note: Whether or not you "should" do any of the above practices is really nuanced. I do a few. Most will be great for some folks and awful for others, and that's just fine- that's why the focus is on experimentation. However, as a disordered eating therapist, I really can't condone any pattern of restricted eating. And of course, I highly recommend exploring any diet changes with a registered dietitian, clearing exercise with your doctor, etc. Even meditation can be harmful for a small portion of folks. Point being- experiment, but be smart about it.
